Motivation

At the gym last week I recognized there are different things that motivate people. Some are self-motivated. As if we can see what we look like while panting on treadmill at level 5 we will agree that we are out of shape and that we never want to look like that person in the mirror again. Others get amped up by the After Pictures. That is what I call the gym bunnies or muscle dudes walking around with the least amount of workout attire allowable. They represent what we want to look like, areas that we need to work on, a visual message of you can look like me if you keep working out. What I would like to come with After Pictures (AP) are bios and Before Pictures (BP). Like if an AP used to be 50lbs overweight and now has 3% body fat I am going to be on every machine that they get on. Maybe not as long or as heavy but that's motivation to some.

I like to be the best. At everything. Or at least better then most people. The air of competition drives me most of the time. Perfect example: I was at the gym running on the treadmill and my goal was to consistently run for 5 miles in less then an hour. I do it about three times a week. Well today Gym Bunny Suzie (the name I came up with her in my head) gets on the treadmill next to me. Needless to say she cranks it up to 8. Blonde hair, little chest, and even smaller butt start bouncing on the machine. I like to keep my towel over the time so that I can't tell how far I have to go or how many minutes I have been running. Time for me is not motivation. But Suzie is just running along. And not even sweating. Soon I look over at her digital reading and she has caught up with me. Well not to be outdone I cranked up the juice on my treadmill. Now I never noticed Suzie look over at my progress or dripping sweat everywhere or even acknowledge that I had non-verbally entered her into my track and field competition but she beat my ass. Like Jamaica versus the US. What I didn't realize was during our race I was breathing right, swinging my arms, and pacing my steps that I ended up burning more calories and finishing my 5 miles just under 50 minutes. MOTIVATION!

So what motivates you? A word of encouragement? Seeing someone do better than you? A set goal? I believe we should make realistic goals, but don't but time stamps on them. Especially when they concern physical activity. Do enough to make it noticeable to you. So when someone does notice it. You can tell them you should have seen your Before Picture.

JUST IN

Just IN! Just IN! Just IN!

Some of you don't know it but I loved a man.

I loved a brother.

Not in love, like everythng is all happy and gay.

No; love like there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for you love.

Just IN...the world doesn't hold it's wonder for me without you.

Just IN...13 is an unlucky number

22 is unforgettable

And 19 lifetimes can't replace this one.

Just IN...I want to have a son.

A little boy with a big-head and a bigger heart so that I can call him by your name.

Justin; my godbrother; brother in GOD; I looked up to you.

And days don't pass without me still looking up.

Just IN...forward progress with unknown steps is scary.

I can't do this alone.

We can't do this alone.

So GOD if you could spare him for a little while to help us heal

I'll be waiting at the airport by new arrivals looking for his flight to say JUST IN.

In Memory of

Justin A. Winstead

November 19, 1982 - July 13, 2004

Happy Secretary's Day (Belated)

Is it a general requirement for all secretaries, receptionists, and administrative assistants to be mean and spiteful. You know the kind that won't call to the back to find out if you had an appointment. If it isn't in their books you don't matter. The same ones that will make you wait in the doctors office and tell you he will be right with you. Stop lying. Just say he is busy, backed up, eating lunch, doing the other receptionist, and will be out in a while.

They huff and puff on the phone when you ask them to give the party you are trying to reach a message. It's your job like it or not. Stop taking shit out on people so damn early in the morning. You can't be that pissed off at 8am. And if you are fake it. Stop inflicting your infectious, hateful demeanor on those you encounter throughout the day. Oh, and you know you aren't busy at your desk. We know you are emailing your coworker down the hall about America's Next Top Model or where you want to eat for lunch.

I know your job is important. I am not trying to take that away from any of you. Without you you could potentially stop the flow of an office's whole day. Just apply a little bedside manner. Smile when I come through the door. Do not scowl and tell me to have a seat before I even tell you what I am here for. No one ever gets promoted from administrative assistant to CEO. Be nice. It goes a long way.

50 First Dates

Needless to say I'm picky when it comes to dating. So when you ask what I like I can't give you just one answer to sum it up. That does not mean I am indecisive. I've just got my standards as well as stoplights, warning signs, and baggage claim checks that must be reviewed. But I'm thinking I might need to advise my advisors that my life of speed dating is making me wary.

Potential candidates must be: Short kind of tall; slim kind of thick; brown kind of yellow; smart kind of intelligent (no variance there).

Not very hard I think. Overall I am tired of starting over. As every different date I go on I answer the same questions. Imagine how many times I get asked when is your birthday? Favorite Food? Where I am originally from? What I'm looking for in this dating scene? What movie should we see? Restaurant to eat? Where to pick you up or meet? My place or yours?

I feel like I should be submitting a cover letter with resume. Because I am sick of interviewing for a job that I sometimes don't want or that you think I am not qualified enough for. Ultimately I just want someone to share my day with. I'm looking forward to second dates, third trips to your favorite vacation spots. Being recognized by your favorite cousin at their wedding. You coming through my bedroom door a set of keys in your hand because you have it like that. No longer screening phone calls from dates gone awry who didn't get the message that they have been replaced. Not even replaced a 1st date means that further follow-up information was needed before meeting with other applicants.

I've made compromises lowering my bar thinking it might be me. Only to wonder if I can fit out the window in the bathroom. Get my friend to call with an "emergency". Or to slide my arm from under your head without waking you up. No one likes being rejected. And others don't know how to reject respectively.

You are not my type. I'm looking for someone (fill in the blank). Oh my friend said you looked different. I have no job. I live with my mama. Do you have money to pay for your half? I'm not exactly single. I'm gay.

Some extremes are not worth exploring. But ultimately how creative do you think I am to come up with 50 Original First Dates? How many first times do I have to see the same movie? Add some explanation next to your name in my phone so that I know which _____ I am calling? How many times do I have to wake up every morning and meet someone new?


Here's to 51.


To the comments that might come or not. Often we say date and meaning something else. It's like the word love. It's up to interpretation. For someone a date is a movie. A drink. Dinner. Some combinations of all three and many other variations. To others a date is a hookup. Or a mutual understanding between two that you are interested in repeating any of these actions. It is not a relationship. Nor does one date entitle you to anything other then potentially a second date. And more common then not people date more then one person at one time. Hopefully you are not on date number 5 with three different people, but hey if you have the time do you. It's called considering your options. I have realized that I am becoming a serial dater. That's coming to an end. I read this line in response to a different topic but it still holds relevance.

"I wonder if the core of the problem is that in our fear that we'll never find anyone and be lonely for the rest of our lives, we become too active in a process in which we should be more laid back, patient and passive."

Here is to a passive Staats. So when 51 does show up, maybe some of the cynicism will have ebbed away. Or at least he will have different questions to ask.

Transparency

Allow me to be naked; stripped down if you will.
Unable to say what's on my mind I want you to witness me...complete transparency.
I'm a little out of practice,
A little out of shape
So please excuse the nudity.
Because this feeling that I shouldn't be feeling...
Is
This
Love
?

'Before I lock my love away, excuse me let me testify...You've accused me of a, you've accused me of a...'

You've accused me of a crime that I readily admit to.
But admonishment does not beget absolution.
My guilty plea is me telling you I would do it again.
Don't let me off on a technicality
Because my non-conviction would result in a Doubly Jeopardy.
I'll take Infidelity for $1000 Alex.
My wager everything that I don't have.
Just humbly hoping that by barterng my love
You can help make it valuable again
And not clear.
Transparently so.
Lit up by an overhead projector.
With words written on it.
Magnified.
Transposed for all to see.

'Before you lock my love away...'

Excuse me while I am transparent.



© April 2008
Staats

Top 10: Are You a Jump Off?

A la David Lettermen's Top Ten Reasons...

Was talking with some friends and the question came up what constitutes a jump off? Or what are some signs that you aren't really dating someone you are just their sex partner? And that is basically the definition of a

JUMP OFF (adj.) : to be only a sexual object. (see also, One Night Stand, Cut Buddy, BUDDY, etc.)



The Top 10 signs that you are/might have been/or are currently someones jump off...

10. All the pictures in their place are turned down when you come over.
9. If you don't know their last name.
8. If every "date" has been at your house and involves alcohol.
7. If they are always have naked when you come over, or you don't wear underwear when you go out.
6. You haven't met any of their friends or family and you've been "dating" for over six months.
5. There are multiple toothbrushes in the bathroom and none of them are yours.
4. They refer to your "dating" situation as "just kicking it", or "oh we are just cool".
3. If you have never spent the night.
2. If they only call you or return your phone calls after 12am and before 6am.

And the #1 sign you you are a jump off is...

1. You aren't bothered by the empty condom wrappers in the trash can when you come over.

All That Glitters...

IS NOT GOLD!!!!

Had to put that part in caps. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about a woman he had hooked up with. Now he was telling me that she was so fine, and physically all that he wanted in a woman. He had been lusting over her for a long time and finally got the opportunity to sleep with her. Well it came at a very inconvenient time because it snowed up here in the Northeast the other day. And of course that was the night that she wanted him to come over. So with about 4 inches of snow already on the ground he hopped in his coupe (bad car in the snow) and made the normal 15 minute trip in about 40 minutes. After some awkwardness they proceeded to have sex. And within moments it was over. For her. The word my boy used to describe it was WACK. He said he has gotten more excitement with himself. The young lady wanted him to stay the night and wait for the snow plows. He said it would be fine that he would just retrace his tracks. I can't help but laughing as I type it, because life is set up with many tales like this. Not as sexual but in general.

Everything in life that glitters is not gold. Often we spend so much time putting someone on a pedestal that they are undeserving of. Their outward representative looks so enticing that we often lose temporary sense and do something that we wouldn't normally do or we are just so excited at the opportunity that we through caution into the wind. What looks too good to be true usually is. Me and my boy talked about mediocrity isn't necessarily the answer, but that most of our basic needs can be taken care of it. Some of us have had sexual encounters, hookups, one night stands with people that we would never want to be see out with. But they might take care of another need really well. Not saying to live in that mediocrity but perfection doesn't exist. No one gets all they want off of their physical/mental checklist when dating. So beware of all that glitters. FOOL'S GOLD IS AROUND IN ABUNDANCE.

F@#! That Valentine

If you are spending your money today on flowers, cards, and candy for the first time for your boo...you are officially a loser. And I am laughing at you while you try to bargain your way into a reservation at my restaurant. Because maybe you were unaware that its open 362 other days out the year. So learn to express your love for someone every day and not just Valentine's Day. It's not a holiday. It's Hallmark's Day. And I am not jealous of anyone. I'm very content with my choice of not celebrating something I think is so mundane. Valentine's Day to me is trendy, and I am the last person you will see doing the same thing that someone else is doing.

So fellas who have succumbed to the monotony of February 14th be prepared to buy the bouquets of flowers, chocolate covered whatevers, shrimp cocktail, lobster tails, and the bottle of wine...all to find out you still aren't getting any at the end of the night.

And ladies be content with your man for what he does for you not for what you think he should be doing, so what your coworker got Callililles delivered to the job, and your homegirl got a horse and carriage ride, be happy that someone wakes up and says I love you. And it's not just your day either so get him something too. Ungrateful asses.

This is me every year. So don't think this is the cause of anything. Most of my friends know I haven't done anything for this faux holiday for years. It's just how I get enjoyment from it. Yes I believe in love. I just don't believe one day means I love you more then the last. If you want to contact me do you. I am out spreading my discourse and cynicism to the masses.

In the immortal bridge from Andre 3000's album The Love Below and the song "Happy Valentine's Day"...

F@#! That Valentine's, F@#! That, F@#! That Valentine, F@#! That Valentine's Day...

Staats' Top Ten

A la David Lettermen's Top Ten Reasons...a funny question came to mind when my roommate noticed I had a Band-Aid over my nipple. (Don't ask). Anyway I wondered...

What could be the top 10 reasons a man would have a Band-Aid over his nipple.

#10. Bacon flavored cologne and a pet German Shepard.
#9. To find out the hard way why men don't breast feed.
#8. A piercing job gone really bad.
#7. Someone triple dog dared you to see if it would stick to a frozen pole like in the Christmas Story.
#6. Trying to start a new Band-Aid trend like Nelly did.
#5. Overzealous girlfriend who is on a diet.
#4. To distract you that there are really three nipples on your chest.
#3. Ran out of Pasties.
#2. Couldn't remember the "Safe" word while playing with your Dominatrix.

And the #1 reason a guy might have a Band-Aid over his nipple...
In memory of Janet Jackson's Superbowl Halftime Show.

Just had to be silly. Enjoy the Superbowl.

I Choose You

Have you ever felt a little awkward as one of the few members of the wedding party that has to get up for the garter toss? You look back at people you have known for almost a decade and realize that most of them are either a Mr. & Mrs. or well on their way to being one. And time makes you have one of those flashback moments. It's like the ending of The Wiz. When Dorothy starts singing "Home" and all the people she loved and has come to love appear in the stars, that's how I felt. Only the song in my head and that the DJ was spinning to my soundtrack was "International Player's Anthem" by UGK ft. Outkast. That was the tiniest thought that I had while I watched my friend William Kennedy wed the former Latasha Lyons.

Rewind to North Carolina A&T State University in Greensboro, North Carolina. My life could have went in so many different directions if I hadn't met this kid from Fayetteville, NC by way of Chattanooga, TN. He was the first friend I made when I moved from Baltimore, MD. I was homesick by the end of Freshman Week, my roommate hadn't arrived yet, classed hadn't started, and I was filling out forms for Late Registration at Morgan State. I stumbled across the Union. And spades. And Will. And a few other brothers that would welcome me into their fold and nickname me Sisqo (the Bmore association, plus my bright shirt). Oh it was definitely a joke. Those were two things you had to be able to do to sit at a Spades table down there. Of course know how to play good, and to talk shit. Will a.k.a Bullethead was my running mate. We survived out of each others refrigerators, pockets, connects, closets, and rooms.

Fast forward 4 years to my move back to Greensboro, and once again sharing an apartment complex with my homie. Who happened to be living with the woman I had heard had tamed this WyldChild. That woman who would become the mother of his child. And on the first weekend of the new year became his wife. Eight years in the making. And all this flashed before my eyes as his wife-to-be came down the stairs. The CeCe Winans song "Alabaster Box" was song by a member of the choir, and I had heard the song before but never really listened to it. It talked of a broken woman giving her life to Christ and somehow also sang the song of Tasha joining her life with Will. And from Tasha's presence, to Will's emotion showing on his face, it was enough to move even the groomsmen to a tear. We had to avoid each others eyes as to not fully give into the spirit of the moment. But I was moved. And envious. And excited. And filled with happiness that I was asked to share this moment with two people so willing to give of themselves to stop becoming a "me" and become an "us".

The reception hall zooms back into focus as Andre 3000's voice comes over the speakers. And Will realizes that 'we got his back like chiropractic...now hurry hurry go on to the altar I know you ain't a pimp but pimp remember what I taught ya, keep your heart..." And you know what he turns and says to his wife before the speakers blow out...'I Choose You'.

Moments of Greatness

Me and some of my friends were partaking in some recreational fun and the conversation ensued that actually carried some content. One of them suggested that if I had trouble remembering what vital knowledge I was dispensing that I should invest in a digital voice recorder. I thought the idea was ingenious. How else would I remember my Moments of Greatness. That is what I have decided to call it. I believer under certain circumstances your brain relaxes and issues thoughts that are void of screening, pretense, subterfuge, and is on many levels profound. To others maybe not so much.



I made the comment that I felt more comfortable electing a President that also had recreational fun or at least used to. How else would they be able to save the world on a daily basis? Yes some of you are reading this and you are not comprehending. It's ok. It means you probably have never been Great and have nothing to compare. Proceed to the next blog entry. For those that have been Great you know what I am talking about. You may have cured cancer during this Greatness or came up with a way to bring about peace in the Middle East. Start recording your conversations. I'm going to give it a shot. Now I don't think recreational fun should be embarked upon on a regular basis, because then the moments would be less great. But every once in a while if you feel the desire to use more then 10% of your brain at one time, well think about having some fun. LOL.

Alicia Keys American Music Award Performance

Now this is for all you Jamaicans, West Indians, Reggae and Dancehall lovers young and old, this is truly worth of a Reggae Collabo. And the best performance that night. Sorry its so late

This Christmas

(**Bloggers note: Amidst the Writer's Strike going on nationwide, it really gives focus to the freedom that all writers possess. For those apart of the Union that exercise this freedom I commend them. But in the same breath realize that I don't think I could subject my craft to the scrutiny of others. And I use scrutiny loosely because what is a blog but for others to read and comment. I mean to be forced to edit my work, submit to deadlines and paychecks. I do this because I like to, and not because its a task assigned to me. So this piece is somewhat of a break from the norm. I don't usually do request work. I don't write on command about any topic or specifically for any one person so AJ (you know who you are) this is in part for you. But I also had some notes on this that I wanted to share as well.) **

I had the opportunity to see an ensemble cast that resembled a lot of my family members and situations in the form of the new movie 'This Christmas' a few weeks ago. I was still doing my best Scrooge impression, as I was not so ready to move from turkey to Tree Trimming so fast. It seems like the Holiday Season always surprises up when it does arrive. And opening the day before the Turkey and Over Roasted Honey Ham had even been cut came this film that at first glance looked like the second part of Soul Food (which also opened up right before the Thanksgiving Holiday season) a little more than 10 years ago. The similarities ensued as the commonalities between many movies focused on the closeness of African-American families. The reason why these movies do so well is because many African-Americans identify with the characters and scenarios.

There is always that matriarch (although I am sick of the name Madea...thanks Tyler Perry) who seems to cook dinner, decorate the house, balance the check book, run the family business, keep the peace, and still seems to know what's really going on in her children's lives despite their locations. (Shout outs to all the women that do this with one hand tied behind her back). Then as stereotypical as usual Papa is missing in action as The Temptations (<<Thanks Dad) put it so quaintly 'Papa was a rolling stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home...'. The one difference is that the movie does focus on how blended families can still work out. Many strong male characters in the film (Delroy Lindo, Idris Alba, Colombus Short, Chris Brown, and even 'Cousin Fred') stress the importance of family and the sacrifices that we make for the sake of blood.

The women in the movie all represent African-American women in many different stages of their lives. The separated mother (who is still getting her groove on but hasn't moved on from her 1st husband), the career college student (who has the best intentions with school, just not as much focus), the too focused career woman (who can't get out of her own way and allow someone to love her outside of her family), and the stay-at-home-mom (who does what too many women do nowadays and think that infidelity should be overlooked for lack of confidence and find ways to excuse it). Very Soul Foodish, but portrayed very well by Loretta Devine, Lauren London, Sharon Leal, and Regina King, respectively. And on a side note, big ups to the director for making sure Regina King had next to nothing on. I mean housewife or not she stayed in the gym to keep that body tight and tried to keep her man home and satisfied. Hey if you're going to do it, you mind as well be the best at it. LOL. And no matter what role Regina King plays she always seems to carry that homegirl quality. Every family has a member like her. You have to give her creativity points too, baby oil and a leather belt. LOL. That ranks up there with Al Greene and the hot grits.

Not trying to give too much of the movie away, but I think it appeals to me because I come from a pretty close medium to large size family. Where if you share that similarity can attest that hijinks's like those in the movie happen at many a family function. Most of all it reminded me that Christmas really isn't Christmas without being surrounded by the ones you love. Not necessarily the ones you like, but when all is said and done you know they would do anything for you. And yes they will judge, point fingers, fight with you on the front lawn, at the bar, or on vacation, but let someone from outside the family step to you and they will have your back. I feel like I have celebrated Christmas for the last two months. The only thing I really wanted was to spend time with all of my family. It was part of the reason why I have moved back to the Northeastern area. My brother is back from Iraq and him and his entire family made the trek from Hawaii to the East Coast. At the drop of a dime my family was there to celebrate with dishes of all kinds and of course spirits. That's family.

This Christmas don't send yourself into credit card debt that you will be paying off til August. It's not worth it. Enjoy the greatest gifts that this season has to offer. Turn over and smile at the special someone that makes this cold season a little warmer. Or walk down the hall and peek in on the little ones whose innocence you are shaping while they are still caught up in being comfortable and not the commodity of this Holiday. And if you have to by train, plane, bus, or automobile make sure that home is where your heart is This Christmas morning. Rejoice and be glad. And lest not forget that 'Jesus is the reason for the season'.

**(Bloggers 2nd note: I'm an old school fan too. Chris Brown as talented as he is needed to leave Donny Hathaway's original alone. Too many runs. The soundtrack for the movie is bumpin' though. And for me it's not the Christmas season until I hear The Temptations 'Silent Night'. By the way this will be my only Christmas piece. It snowed today in Jersey and with it being December it seemed perfect timing to post this. I will not be posting many movie reviews, just ones I feel strongly about. But another good one to check out if you haven't seen it is The Family Stone. Now with that said you won't see anything about The Perfect Holiday, you know that other movie starring Morris Chestnut and Gabrielle Union (for like the 5th time). Although I will be seeing the new Will Smith production I Am Legend, again no other plugs especially since I hope it doesn't follow the boring footsteps of Tom Hank's one man show Cast Away. And if you went to go see This Christmas you probably also got a chance to view the trailer for the new Ice Cube movie featuring Katt Williams. I'm not even going to tell you the name. One word for it Buffoonery. LOL. I'm going to sneak in. It's my way of not really supporting.)**

"I want to wish you a Merrrrrry

Merrrrrrry Christmassssss

To eaccchhhh

To all of youuuuuu

Merrrrrrry Christmasssss

To all of youuuuuuuuu

(in the deep voice)

Merry Christmas from the Temptations"

Servers Strike Back

For all of you who DON'T wait tables!!!
If you go out to eat, or plan to EVER again... READ THIS!

P.S. An addendum to this list will be coming soon.

HOW TO TIP

easy tip: take 10% of the total price of the ticket and then double it.
$50.00 tab = $5.00 x 2 = $10.00 would be an alright tip.

The next time you're out eating at a resturant, look at your server. Do you think they are really happy to be doing that job? The answer is no, they are not, but it's what we do, and we do it for the money so please help them out. Its a tougher job than you think and you should pay them accordingly!

There are SO many people out there flooding the restaurants w/o any knowledge of how to tip. Here is a short guide for the general public to follow. Feel free to print out and store in your wallet and/or purse.

1. CHILDREN "THE LITTLE DEVILS":
If you have children, DO NOT let them, open and dump anything on the table (ie; salt, sugar, etc). IF YOU DO, you must leave an extra $5 for the server to clean up YOUR CHILD'S mess & to restock the now unusable wasted items. We are neither their babysitter nor their parent. The least you can do is pay us for the extra work. Also make sure you control your kids and don't let them scream or run around the restraunt. It's very distracting and rude to others eating, not to mention dangerous if they get ran over by a server with hot food in their hands.

2. "THE CAMPERS":
If you feel the necessity to stay for longer than 15 minutes after you pay, its an extra $3 every 30 minutes. We make our money from the tables. If you are in one and we can't seat it, we don't make money. Not to mention, if you are our last table we have to wait for you to leave before we can leave.

3. COMPLIMENTS:
Telling a server they are the best server they've ever had is not a tip. If we are good, let us know by leaving us more money. We cant pay our bills on compliments. Its not that we don't appreciate the praise, its just that if you say that and then leave 10% it's an insult.

4. THE SALVATION PAMPHLETS:
Prayer cards and any other religious pamphlet is NOT a tip. It is insulting that you assume we are w/o religion and must save us. Again, like ..3, we can't pay bills w/prayer cards. We'd go to church on Sundays if it wasn't mandatory to work on Sundays because EVERYONE who goes to church follows it by eating out.

5. TIPPING:
It is not 1960. Cost of living has gone up dramatically since then. 18% is the MINIMUM amount of what you should be tipping your servers. Look at the first number of your bill. ie. if your bill is $30, double the 3 & you have a $6 tip. If the second number is more than 5 however, you must add a dollar. Remember, our companies pay us minimum wage (minumum wage for servers is $6.75 in CA, $3.13 in FL, $3.09 in IA, $2.13 in NJ, 2.65 in MI, 2.15 in OK, $2.13 in TX, $2.43 in NC). And we are taxed on 10 percent of your meal automatically anyway. So if your meal is $100 and you leave $10 and we tip out $4-5 to the busser, bartender, and whoever else then we pay tax on 10 dollars and we make $5. It seems small but it adds up. How many times do you eat out per week and do this?

6. THE COMPLAINERS:
If you get a discount because your food was prepared wrong or something, do not take it out of our tip. We didn't cook it. The cooks get paid hourly regardless if the food sucks. However, we only make what you give us.


7. THE LATE ONES:
If you come into the restraunt 10 mins before closing or any time near closing hurry up and order your food and get out. Closed means closed, not social hour. It is so rude to sit there and take your sweet ass time. We can't leave until you leave because we have to do sidework and clean the table you are sitting at. We don't want to stand there waiting for you for an extra hour just because you don't want to go home. We recommend 24 hour establishments such as Dennys if you wish to sit into the wee hours of the night.

8. THE TABLE HOGGERS:
If you only come in for coffee or a dessert, to do paper work, or to have a meeting, don't sit there taking up our booths for hours. We are not Starbucks or a hotel restraunt. If you want to sit for hours, go there or else you better leave a good tip for us and camping fee included.

9. THE GREET:
When we come up to the table to greet you and we ask how you are doing, please let us know. We honestly want to know how you are doing. And ask us how we are doing as well. It's called manners. If you are in a bad mood we want to know that from the beginning. A confused stare or complete silence does not suffice as a reply to "How are you doing?". Also most of us are REQUIRED to say certain things during the greeting, so please don't interrupt our greeting and say "I want coffee", "Can we get some bread?", or "What are the soups?" Just sit tight for a damn minute & let us talk. You're not helping us out & saving us time by stopping our greet, you are pissing us off.

10. THOSE DAMN CELL PHONES:
Don't ever talk on your cell phone in a restaurant. This is probably the rudest thing to do. If you must be on your cell, at least keep your voice down in respect for other customers. If you are on your cell phone when we walk up to greet your table we will walk away and not return until you get off your phone. Just show some respect and give us your attention for a couple of minutes.

11. THE PICKY PEOPLE:
When you're taken to a table, sit there. There's a reason you were taken to that table and it's because that server is next on the rotation. If you prefer a certain table, section, window seat etc. specify that to the host/hostess BEFORE they walk you to your table!! Don't wait till they get to the VERY back of the restaraunt then ask "can we have a booth?" "Can we sit by the window?" No! The reason you weren't sat by the window or in a booth is most likely because the server by the window or the server with the booths just got sat and you will receive better service if you stay put. If you ask BEFOREHAND the hostess has time to sit you accordingly. They have time to find you a table where you will be happy to sit AND receive good service!

12. THE WAVERS:
If you wave at me or try to talk to me while I am talking to another table or have a huge tray in my hand, I WILL ignore you. We have other people besides you to take care of and unless we are standing still or hanging out by a computer, we are doing something. It is rude to think we will stop what we are doing for one table just to come help you. Let me put this heavy ass tray down in the middle of the dining room to find out you want more sauce. Do not grab me, or wave, or shake your glass, or call me ma'am or waiter or any other pet-name you want to call me because you were on your cell, or talking, or interrupted my initial greet where I told you my flippin' name!

IN OTHER WORDS, WE DO NOT HAVE IT EASY AS A SERVER! TAKE CARE OF US AND WE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!

Camelot

When Love was all brand new I used to greet her outside of the gates,

Open armed ready to be in love.

Only to be slayed.

No suit of armor vulnerable to enemy attack.

I retreated into my castle to let my heart heal,

Knowing that when Love came again I would be better prepared.

I learned more about my strengths and weaknesses during this reflection period.

And I wasn't looking for Love,

I had already eaten from that apple and didn't want to be Adam twice.

When Love disguised as someone else came calling it was from beyond my moat,

My defenses had increased since last we met.

Love spoke of foundations and how mine seemed so strong,

And asked for permission inside my castle.

Leery I conceded.

And Love did not attack.

For it not because of the full armor, shield, and sword I now carried,

Maybe this wasn't the same Love.

This love had taken control of me, but not by force.

Love made herself at home,

And as soon as she realized my heart was on my sleeve,

She knocked it off, threw it across the room, and stepped on it,

With spiked stilettos as she left my castle.

My guards came to my aid and tried to assess how they could have been tricked so easily.

Uncertainty, who is normally first to respond, begin tot second guess Intuition,

Who then accused Hope of being too soft.

Ultimately, Pain took hold of the situation and helped pick up the pieces of my heart.

He took it deep within the castle.

Fortified it behind doors and locks and wore the key around his neck.

He would stand guard and remind me if I ever came down for my heart,

That Love could not be trusted.

He ordered sentries be on the lookout for Love.

And if she was found she was to be shot on sight.

I thought this drastic, so I convinced Pain that Love would be observed,

And final judgement would belong to him.

Pain said he would agree but warned me not to bring Love anywhere near him,

And that she needed to be observed for at least 3 months.

If the other guards found her to be no threat then we would see.

That is why there is a thin line between Pain and Love. Love and Hate.

Pain reminds you that when it hurts so bad,

Even if you didn't recognize it it was Love.

And once Love has found your heart, it would really Hate to be left alone again.

So while you may walk around my castle unscathed,

You can not hurt me love.

There are defenses in place to prevent that.

Walls that must come down first.

So while I see you on the horizon,

I wonder if in 3 months I can trust what I have learned about you.

And ask myself am I ready for Love?

© October 2007
Staats