Top 10: Are You a Jump Off?

A la David Lettermen's Top Ten Reasons...

Was talking with some friends and the question came up what constitutes a jump off? Or what are some signs that you aren't really dating someone you are just their sex partner? And that is basically the definition of a

JUMP OFF (adj.) : to be only a sexual object. (see also, One Night Stand, Cut Buddy, BUDDY, etc.)



The Top 10 signs that you are/might have been/or are currently someones jump off...

10. All the pictures in their place are turned down when you come over.
9. If you don't know their last name.
8. If every "date" has been at your house and involves alcohol.
7. If they are always have naked when you come over, or you don't wear underwear when you go out.
6. You haven't met any of their friends or family and you've been "dating" for over six months.
5. There are multiple toothbrushes in the bathroom and none of them are yours.
4. They refer to your "dating" situation as "just kicking it", or "oh we are just cool".
3. If you have never spent the night.
2. If they only call you or return your phone calls after 12am and before 6am.

And the #1 sign you you are a jump off is...

1. You aren't bothered by the empty condom wrappers in the trash can when you come over.

All That Glitters...

IS NOT GOLD!!!!

Had to put that part in caps. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about a woman he had hooked up with. Now he was telling me that she was so fine, and physically all that he wanted in a woman. He had been lusting over her for a long time and finally got the opportunity to sleep with her. Well it came at a very inconvenient time because it snowed up here in the Northeast the other day. And of course that was the night that she wanted him to come over. So with about 4 inches of snow already on the ground he hopped in his coupe (bad car in the snow) and made the normal 15 minute trip in about 40 minutes. After some awkwardness they proceeded to have sex. And within moments it was over. For her. The word my boy used to describe it was WACK. He said he has gotten more excitement with himself. The young lady wanted him to stay the night and wait for the snow plows. He said it would be fine that he would just retrace his tracks. I can't help but laughing as I type it, because life is set up with many tales like this. Not as sexual but in general.

Everything in life that glitters is not gold. Often we spend so much time putting someone on a pedestal that they are undeserving of. Their outward representative looks so enticing that we often lose temporary sense and do something that we wouldn't normally do or we are just so excited at the opportunity that we through caution into the wind. What looks too good to be true usually is. Me and my boy talked about mediocrity isn't necessarily the answer, but that most of our basic needs can be taken care of it. Some of us have had sexual encounters, hookups, one night stands with people that we would never want to be see out with. But they might take care of another need really well. Not saying to live in that mediocrity but perfection doesn't exist. No one gets all they want off of their physical/mental checklist when dating. So beware of all that glitters. FOOL'S GOLD IS AROUND IN ABUNDANCE.

F@#! That Valentine

If you are spending your money today on flowers, cards, and candy for the first time for your boo...you are officially a loser. And I am laughing at you while you try to bargain your way into a reservation at my restaurant. Because maybe you were unaware that its open 362 other days out the year. So learn to express your love for someone every day and not just Valentine's Day. It's not a holiday. It's Hallmark's Day. And I am not jealous of anyone. I'm very content with my choice of not celebrating something I think is so mundane. Valentine's Day to me is trendy, and I am the last person you will see doing the same thing that someone else is doing.

So fellas who have succumbed to the monotony of February 14th be prepared to buy the bouquets of flowers, chocolate covered whatevers, shrimp cocktail, lobster tails, and the bottle of wine...all to find out you still aren't getting any at the end of the night.

And ladies be content with your man for what he does for you not for what you think he should be doing, so what your coworker got Callililles delivered to the job, and your homegirl got a horse and carriage ride, be happy that someone wakes up and says I love you. And it's not just your day either so get him something too. Ungrateful asses.

This is me every year. So don't think this is the cause of anything. Most of my friends know I haven't done anything for this faux holiday for years. It's just how I get enjoyment from it. Yes I believe in love. I just don't believe one day means I love you more then the last. If you want to contact me do you. I am out spreading my discourse and cynicism to the masses.

In the immortal bridge from Andre 3000's album The Love Below and the song "Happy Valentine's Day"...

F@#! That Valentine's, F@#! That, F@#! That Valentine, F@#! That Valentine's Day...

Staats' Top Ten

A la David Lettermen's Top Ten Reasons...a funny question came to mind when my roommate noticed I had a Band-Aid over my nipple. (Don't ask). Anyway I wondered...

What could be the top 10 reasons a man would have a Band-Aid over his nipple.

#10. Bacon flavored cologne and a pet German Shepard.
#9. To find out the hard way why men don't breast feed.
#8. A piercing job gone really bad.
#7. Someone triple dog dared you to see if it would stick to a frozen pole like in the Christmas Story.
#6. Trying to start a new Band-Aid trend like Nelly did.
#5. Overzealous girlfriend who is on a diet.
#4. To distract you that there are really three nipples on your chest.
#3. Ran out of Pasties.
#2. Couldn't remember the "Safe" word while playing with your Dominatrix.

And the #1 reason a guy might have a Band-Aid over his nipple...
In memory of Janet Jackson's Superbowl Halftime Show.

Just had to be silly. Enjoy the Superbowl.