Happy Secretary's Day (Belated)

Is it a general requirement for all secretaries, receptionists, and administrative assistants to be mean and spiteful. You know the kind that won't call to the back to find out if you had an appointment. If it isn't in their books you don't matter. The same ones that will make you wait in the doctors office and tell you he will be right with you. Stop lying. Just say he is busy, backed up, eating lunch, doing the other receptionist, and will be out in a while.

They huff and puff on the phone when you ask them to give the party you are trying to reach a message. It's your job like it or not. Stop taking shit out on people so damn early in the morning. You can't be that pissed off at 8am. And if you are fake it. Stop inflicting your infectious, hateful demeanor on those you encounter throughout the day. Oh, and you know you aren't busy at your desk. We know you are emailing your coworker down the hall about America's Next Top Model or where you want to eat for lunch.

I know your job is important. I am not trying to take that away from any of you. Without you you could potentially stop the flow of an office's whole day. Just apply a little bedside manner. Smile when I come through the door. Do not scowl and tell me to have a seat before I even tell you what I am here for. No one ever gets promoted from administrative assistant to CEO. Be nice. It goes a long way.

50 First Dates

Needless to say I'm picky when it comes to dating. So when you ask what I like I can't give you just one answer to sum it up. That does not mean I am indecisive. I've just got my standards as well as stoplights, warning signs, and baggage claim checks that must be reviewed. But I'm thinking I might need to advise my advisors that my life of speed dating is making me wary.

Potential candidates must be: Short kind of tall; slim kind of thick; brown kind of yellow; smart kind of intelligent (no variance there).

Not very hard I think. Overall I am tired of starting over. As every different date I go on I answer the same questions. Imagine how many times I get asked when is your birthday? Favorite Food? Where I am originally from? What I'm looking for in this dating scene? What movie should we see? Restaurant to eat? Where to pick you up or meet? My place or yours?

I feel like I should be submitting a cover letter with resume. Because I am sick of interviewing for a job that I sometimes don't want or that you think I am not qualified enough for. Ultimately I just want someone to share my day with. I'm looking forward to second dates, third trips to your favorite vacation spots. Being recognized by your favorite cousin at their wedding. You coming through my bedroom door a set of keys in your hand because you have it like that. No longer screening phone calls from dates gone awry who didn't get the message that they have been replaced. Not even replaced a 1st date means that further follow-up information was needed before meeting with other applicants.

I've made compromises lowering my bar thinking it might be me. Only to wonder if I can fit out the window in the bathroom. Get my friend to call with an "emergency". Or to slide my arm from under your head without waking you up. No one likes being rejected. And others don't know how to reject respectively.

You are not my type. I'm looking for someone (fill in the blank). Oh my friend said you looked different. I have no job. I live with my mama. Do you have money to pay for your half? I'm not exactly single. I'm gay.

Some extremes are not worth exploring. But ultimately how creative do you think I am to come up with 50 Original First Dates? How many first times do I have to see the same movie? Add some explanation next to your name in my phone so that I know which _____ I am calling? How many times do I have to wake up every morning and meet someone new?


Here's to 51.


To the comments that might come or not. Often we say date and meaning something else. It's like the word love. It's up to interpretation. For someone a date is a movie. A drink. Dinner. Some combinations of all three and many other variations. To others a date is a hookup. Or a mutual understanding between two that you are interested in repeating any of these actions. It is not a relationship. Nor does one date entitle you to anything other then potentially a second date. And more common then not people date more then one person at one time. Hopefully you are not on date number 5 with three different people, but hey if you have the time do you. It's called considering your options. I have realized that I am becoming a serial dater. That's coming to an end. I read this line in response to a different topic but it still holds relevance.

"I wonder if the core of the problem is that in our fear that we'll never find anyone and be lonely for the rest of our lives, we become too active in a process in which we should be more laid back, patient and passive."

Here is to a passive Staats. So when 51 does show up, maybe some of the cynicism will have ebbed away. Or at least he will have different questions to ask.

Transparency

Allow me to be naked; stripped down if you will.
Unable to say what's on my mind I want you to witness me...complete transparency.
I'm a little out of practice,
A little out of shape
So please excuse the nudity.
Because this feeling that I shouldn't be feeling...
Is
This
Love
?

'Before I lock my love away, excuse me let me testify...You've accused me of a, you've accused me of a...'

You've accused me of a crime that I readily admit to.
But admonishment does not beget absolution.
My guilty plea is me telling you I would do it again.
Don't let me off on a technicality
Because my non-conviction would result in a Doubly Jeopardy.
I'll take Infidelity for $1000 Alex.
My wager everything that I don't have.
Just humbly hoping that by barterng my love
You can help make it valuable again
And not clear.
Transparently so.
Lit up by an overhead projector.
With words written on it.
Magnified.
Transposed for all to see.

'Before you lock my love away...'

Excuse me while I am transparent.



© April 2008
Staats