How is it that a writer is just getting to this point to start a blog? And on top of being a writer, I also like to talk alot. Again, another point that should have led to creating this a long time ago. Regardless of those reasons or any others that may come to mind I am starting this blog to chronicle my neurosis. I have come to the conclusion that I have suffered a severe emotional/nervous breakdown in the last two weeks. And of course the health insurance that is provided by my job does not cover pyscho-therapy. Let me start from the beginning...
A vacation is supposed to be just that a vacation. I indulged in one of these a few weeks ago. It was a vacation to see my family. Living in North Carolina only provides me with the emotional support that I allow my "friends" and associates to prescribe. True support comes from those that share a bloodline, that want to see you succeed with no alterior motives. But family can also press on you emotionally. For those that know me, and will get to know me I am not the most emotionally stable person in the world. But it works for me. My trip home brought up some insecurities that I didn't realize were still around. And as the India Arie song says, "No one has the power to hurt you like your kin."
My trip to Philly gave me the greatest experience to see my younger cousin graduate from high school. This guy is so much like me its scary. Seeing him graduate, meeting my sister's new husband, entertaining relatives, and friends is emotionally draining. But I enjoyed every bit of it. The instability found its foothold in my life through the 5-hour drive from Baltimore to Greensboro. That's a lot of time to be in a car with your worst enemy. Me. A good friend told me that I am my own worst enemy. That I allow outer influences to control my thought process, which starts an internal war. And trust me my mind is not the setting I want for World War III.
I have created in my mind two personas. One, that acquiesces to everyone and everybody. I am the poster child for someone that has it all together. I am articulate, intelligent, funny, amusing, thoughtful, nice, and honest to name a few things. This persona, we will refer to as Status. Status is fun to be around. He's even-tempered, very rarily shows any negative emotions. He always has a shoulder for people to lean on, and even when both shoulders are occupied, he has a spare pair so don't get worried. Status, smiles at work. Tap dances around his boss, all the while feeling like he is trying to place in the Field Negro Olympics. Status is liked by all...
Then there is Staats. Staats has been pushed down so far, that he doesn't really have a good clue as to who he is. But he does know who he would like to be. Free. Free to do what he wants. Say whats on his mind. To tell his boss to go to hell when he asks me a question that he should obviously know the answer to, since he is the boss. (Although, I've been there longer then him). To tell his friends, that yes you have issues, but I have my own subscriptions to deal with. And sorry I would like to be a willing participant in your pity party, but I just can't today. To tell people NO. No I will not listen, not help, not come get you, take you, buy you, sex you, go with you, indulge whatever you want to do. Today is about me. Selfish is what Staats wants. He hears the word spoken all the time, just never takes the opportunity to use it. To do things for self. Staats and Status had a fight, and for a while Staats threw a wrench into Status' world. Status was mean, surly, hateful, vengeful, overall unpleasant to be around. And this was evident to many people. But Staats was calling the shots. Repression is a bitch. I feel like their are two people in my head trying to guide my actions.
Today, well today I think I have things under control. I think. I have four new gray hairs thanks to my meltdown. But I don't think my problems are anywhere near being solved. I have been able to keep a healthy balance, or so I thought, for years. I can't go down this dark road again. Won't allow it. Honestly, I don't think Staats or Status can exist at the same time in my head. I am going to have to figure out who Staats is, and stop hiding behind Status' mask.
No comments:
Post a Comment